Subject: Famous Quotes "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
* Steve Martin

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it; so I said "Thyroid problem?"
* Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
* Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!)

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
* Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

Subject: Abbott and Costello Meet UNIX

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question...

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct.

Customer: No, what is it?

UNIX consul: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one?

UNIX consul: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you?

UNIX consul: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about yoo'.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

UNIX consul: Use 'what'.

Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

UNIX consul: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consul: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consul: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consul: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consul: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consul: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consul: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consul: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consul: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consul: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.

Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consul: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.

Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX consul: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help' and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.